By Super Bowl Sunday, after nine dreary days, we’re finally supposed to see the sun again. For your health’s sake get outside during the day, and sprinkle some Vitamin D on your nachos before gametime.
Be thankful there’s not a blizzard like in 2015. That Super Bowl Sunday I braved the storm, walking from Best Fest Buddy Tom’s house, where I watched the first part of the game, to a neighbors’ house to view the rest of it.
I was one of two people who showed up to the party, per the crummy weather. The host was sad. I wasn’t. More food for me.
That was the Super Bowl where the stupid Seattle Seahawks, with little time left on the clock, decided to throw the ball instead of running it four measly yards. Whaddaya know? Interception. The evil New England Patriots win.
Sure, I made it the four blocks in the driving wind and 20-inch snowstorm to my neighbors. When I trudged two doors down back to my own driveway, though, that’s when I tripped. And I hadn’t even been drinking booze!
Last year, most of the Midwest was coming off a Mars-like cold spell before hitting the 40s on Feb. 3, in time for one of the dullest Super Bowls ever. The evil Patriots bored the LA Rams to death, 13 – 3.
I brought up the above weather woes to remind that the Super Bowl is a holiday for a good portion of the country from the suckage that is early February.
Hell, I even went to Miami the last time the Bears made the big game. In 2007 they lost 29 – 17 in a lackluster performance against the carpetbagging Indianapolis Colts. Colts QB: Peyton Manning. Bears QB: Rex Grossman. You do the math.
Pretty much the only good things about the game were Devin Hester taking back the opening kickoff for a touchdown and Prince singing Purple Rain in the rain at halftime.
I didn’t have the spare $1,500 or so for a ticket to go to the game. I took the trip for the warmth and for the opportunity to attend a party hosted by anti-vaxxer genius Jenny McCarthy that had a $500 cover charge.
The game is back in Miami this Sunday, with the Kansas City Chiefs a slight favorite over the San Francisco 49ers.
For those of you heading to a Super Bowl party – because who doesn’t want to party on a Sunday night – or tuning in for the commercials, what follows is some frivolous information related to the game.
Feel free to impress or annoy party guests with these talking points.
If you’re watching the game home alone, chat up my trivia with Alexa. See what turns up in your search.
Let’s start with the ads. Many have nothing to do with the product. Not one has persuaded me to buy anything. I know this because you don’t even have to watch the game anymore to see a good many commercials debut. Thanks, internet!
One creepy one is for Budweiser. Alexa and/or Google Assistant devices talk to each other, reenacting the old “Whassup” shtick. Another creeper is a Google Assistant ad where a widower tells the device personal information about his late wife, which it collates for him.
That’s not to mention the weird one about the death of Mr. Peanut.
Halftime this year features J-Lo and Shakira. Very South Beach. Very sultry. Just like me. You can even place a bet if there will be J-Lo butt cleavage, just like when Best Fest Buddy Tom does a home improvement project.
As for the game, Kansas City’s field general is arguably this year’s best player, Patrick Mahomes. He’s part Irish, and the last name apparently means bear in Irish. He could have been a Chicago Bear, but that’s a long, disappointing story called Mitch Trubisky.
Mahomes is in a loving relationship with his childhood sweetheart, and they have a pitbull. The pop rapper Pitbull is part of the pregame show along with Dan + Shay, who are not to be confused with me or my buddy, Shay Clarke.
Mahomes has hazel eyes, like his rival, Jimmy Garoppolo, the sexiest quarterback in the NFL. Some say the 49ers quarterback’s beauty is one of the keys to his success. Defenders get lost looking at Jimmy’s dreamy face, swoon and miss tackles.
Garoppolo hails from Arlington Heights. He graduated from Eastern Illinois University, where Tom and I saw him play, twice. If the Niners win, Tom’s claiming his daughter gave birth to three little Jimmys. All he needs is some DNA and more backstory to pull this off.
In the meantime, single stud Garoppolo allegedly once dated a model, then dated a porn star. That could mean he plans to run for president one day.
Aside from their girlfriends, the quarterbacks regularly touch at least two other people in intimate body places. In Kansas City, Austin Reiter plays center, and in the Bay Area, Ben Garland assumes that position.
Most people don’t want to talk about it, but the action in football begins with one guy putting his hands under another guy’s big butt, then touching the big guy’s thunderous thighs, giving him clues as to when to snap the ball into play.
Those big guys get no glory and earn their money. I hope they at least get flowers on Valentine’s Day.
As for coaches, the Niners have Kyle Shanahan at the helm. He’s designed his own hipster sideline hat, which retails for $39.99.
Apparently the name Shanahan means old in Irish. Kyle’s old dad Mike won two Super Bowls coaching the Denver Broncos in the late 90s.
Oak Park-born Mike Shanahan went to EIU, too, like Jimmy Garoppolo. He probably was not as popular with the ladies, though, or with some of the fellas.
Chiefs coach Andy Reid looks like a retired firefighter who ate way too much stationhouse chili. That’s particularly true when he rocks one of his Hawaiian shirts.
Reid brought the Philadelphia Eagles to the Super Bowl in 2005, where they lost to the evil Patriots, 24 – 21.
As extra punishment the game took place in Jacksonville, Florida. Toilets overflowed at the stadium. There weren’t enough hotel rooms, and some people had to stay on cruise ships.
The Chiefs lost to the Green Bay Packers in the first Super Bowl, 35 – 10, then beat the Minnesota Vikings 23 – 7 in the Super Bowl IV in 1970. That’s been it for the franchise.
The Niners played in the Super Bowl six times before this Sunday. They won their first five, before losing to the Baltimore Ravens 34 -31 in 2013. In that game, Ravens coach John Harbaugh beat his annoying brother, Jim, who coached the Niners at the time. Jim once played quarterback for the Bears. Jim now trolls the sidelines in his khakis at the University of Michigan.
That Niners – Ravens game, played at the New Orleans Superdome, featured a 34-minute blackout. Make your own New Orleans drinking joke here.
If the 49ers beat the Chiefs Sunday, it will tie them with the Patriots and Steelers for most Super Bowl wins, ever. And it will give them the edge for Best Picture at the upcoming Oscars.
Even more trivial information!
The 49ers play in Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, 40 miles south of San Francisco. Never forget SF spawned the drearily pleasantly bland band Journey, among others. Van Morrison used to live in the Bay Area, too, but his neighbors thought he was too crabby. So I heard.
San Francisco these days is filled with rich twits who work for Google, Facebook and other tech firms. This has essentially made it unaffordable for anyone else to live there or pretty much anywhere in the Bay Area.
The median household income in Santa Clara is almost $115,000. Homes average about $1.3 million. To help those poor folks out, 49ers season ticket holders get free food and drinks at next season’s home games. For real.
The internet says the median income in Kansas City is a little more than $51,000. A median home price there is $153,000.
Hallmark Cards headquarters are in Kansas City, off the Crown Center. Every year at Christmas time, a single mother finds true love with a widower who designs cards she meets while looking at the Center’s holiday decorations. At least on TV every holiday season she does.
San Francisco has all sorts of seafood, Chinese, Italian and Mexican neighborhood eats, Ghirardelli chocolate, the most 3-star Michelin Guide restaurants in the US, Irish Coffee at the Buena Vista and sourdough bread. At least until the rents get too high.
The San Francisco 49ers are named after the dudes who rushed to the West Coast in 1849 to try to get rich quick by finding gold. Their sort of scary mascot/furry is Sourdough Sam, a miner/prospector named after the bread.
They Niners also are the only NFL team with an emotional support dog, named Zoe. Yes, that seems so California. The above link, though, makes the tale a bit warm and fuzzy.
The Chiefs are named after a white man, who as mayor, helped bring the team from Dallas to the City of Fountains. That mayor used to be called Chief. He was one of those goofy white guys who thought they were honoring Indians while looking and acting foolishly.
The Chiefs haven’t had a chief as mascot since 1989. That’s when Dan Meers launched the iconic furry KC Wolf. While there usually aren’t any wolves around Kansas City, apparently some fans used to call themselves the wolfpack, hence the name KC Wolf.
Meers/KC Wolf is a motivational speaker. So is Susie DeRouchey. She rides the horse Warpaint at Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City, the Chiefs’ home field.
The team’s owned by the super wealthy Hunt family. Their portfolio does not include Hunt’s Ketchup for which Patrick Mahomes does ads. Being from Chicago, I could get behind a team called the Ketchups. Or one called the Chefs.
Anway, this post is getting as long as the game will probably take to play. And it’s almost time to get the defrosted turkey to Tom for him to deep fry for Sunday. Pray for us.
Tom’s not sure if he’s watching the Super Bowl yet. He might opt for viewing Cirque du Soleil DVDs he found at a garage sale. Or maybe Star Trek reruns while eating turkey and sitting in his hot tub.