It’s a cold, snowy Valentine’s Day here in Chicagoland, one of the coldest days so far this winter. The coldest Feb. 14 in 77 years.
Since I used to be part of the media, I’ve put together some tips for you to survive the partially subzero weather.
That’s what we do in the media when there’s bad frigid weather. We stand outside in it and tell you not to be outside unless you have to be outside in it.
So scary, weather is. Yikes. The cold already has me writing like Baby Yoda. I might head to Antarctica to warm up. Seriously, it was 69 there yesterday.
The other reason for these stories: there are a lot of dumbasses out there. As but one example, some people apparently actually think the coronavirus is somehow related to beer. It is the media’s obligation to attempt to prevent idiots from from doing stupid things in the cold.
Well, sort of. Dopes do provide good material for internet stories and videos that get megahits, the driving force in today’s media marketplace.
With that in mind, here’s my list. Be safe out there!
Do not kiss or French kiss anyone or anything outdoors.
You’ve seen A Christmas Story by now, right? You don’t want the EMTs to remove your tongue from a pole or a Pole, do you? And in really cold weather, a lip lock can make your sets of lips stick together.
By the same token, don’t play your musical instrument outside. And for God’s sake, lick your Valentine card envelopes shut while indoors.
Dress in layers.
Okay, Best Fest Buddy Tom says he won’t do this.
“I’m not a f—ing onion,” he so politely put it.
Come to think of it, a f—ing onion would make a good Valentine’s gift. Organic and orgasmic. Whole Foods meets Lover’s Lane.
Dressing in layers traps your body heat, keeping you warm. Some say wear loose layers, while others are fans of the new, tight thermal gear. To that I say, wear one tight layer, then one loose layer, then another tight one, then another loose one. You’ll be a human accordion.
Layer up indoors, too, even if you plan to Netflix and chill on Valentine’s Day.
Ladies, put on those yoga pants first, with your sexy nightie or thong over that. Wear a sultry cable knit sweater, too, and a silk scarf. Sexy.
Guys, your big scarf will come in handy for a subzero romance, as will anything made by Carhartt.
Dress your dog in cute layers, too, and footies. Sure, your canine will be embarrassed. Just show the dog a picture of the recent Westminster Kennel Club show winner, and it won’t feel so bad.
If you have a cat, I’m sorry. Cats should never be left to wander outside, where they eat birds, pick up diseases and stage horrible musicals.
Absolutely never walk your parrot, python or iguana when it’s this cold. The iguana will freeze in a tree. Please don’t go for a swim with your koi either.
Dressing in layers has other advantages. If you forget something somewhere, say the gym, it can wind up in lost and found and eventually at a Goodwill store or with an organization that helps the homeless. It’s charity.
Layer your blankets while you are at it, and pretend you are the prize inside a big King Cake.
Wear a hat, heavy socks and maybe gloves outdoors and to bed.
Heat leaves the body through your extremities, so don a hat, thick socks and gloves are for sleeping. Put on a nightshirt, too. Go full Dickens.
If you insist on sleeping in the nude, you should probably still wear a hat, socks and gloves. If you’re a big white guy like me, you’ll look like a snowman when the paramedics find you in your hypothermic state. It will give pretty much everyone who hears about this a good laugh.
If you do sleep naked in this very cold weather at least use some peel and stick body warmers or apply Icy Hot. Another option is to flock yourself as if you are a needleless Christmas tree. And you will be needleless, because it’s that cold.
Protect your pipes.
Never expose your pipes on a super cold day. Not the ones in your house, either.
Make sure they are insulated. Keep a faucet dripping, then fall asleep listening to the soothing sound of drip, drip, drip.
Turn the heat way up.
If you don’t do any of the above, just turn your heat up to 82, and test the limits of your furnace. Have the space heater going fullblast, too. Trust the technology. What’s the worst that could happen?
Pretend you’re at your grandma’s house back in the day. Or pretend you’re in the desert. Turn the humidifier way up, too, or leave the hot shower running and suddenly you’re in the jungle.
Hang your washed laundry up to dry.
It’s so dry when it’s this cold, save money by hanging your wet washed clothes up somewhere inside instead of putting them in the dryer.
Or hang them outside to get them frozen. Then you’ll know what you’d look like in two dimensions, as if you were dating Elsa from Frozen.
Boiled water puts much-needed moisture back in the air and can be there in case you need to bring a child into the world.
More fun – throw a pot of boiling water off your deck. Dye the water so it makes for colorful snow when you lob it airborne.
Sure, you might burn yourself or racoons below. That’s a risk worth taking to be on YouTube sensation.
Freeze food and make ice cubes outside in an Igloo.
How thoughtful Mother Nature is to make these cold convenient options available. Just put the ice trays and your meat in an Igloo kept outdoors, under lock and key to prevent hungry animals from stealing. Or make an igloo, which might be tough as the recent snow was pretty powdery.
Do more than just write your name in the snow.
Yes, guys like to do this. But pee can also melt ice off your steps or back porch. It’s environmentally friendly. Just make sure neighbors don’t see you do this.
Winterize your car.
Stock your car with extra windshield washer fluid, a blanket, a charger for your mobile phone, tasty snacks in case you get stuck in a traffic jam and jumper cables in case you have a heart attack.
Keep your car’s tank filled. Also consider keeping a small, filled gas container in the car with you. This comes in handy not only if you run out of gas, but also for burning things.
Have a fifth of cheap vodka in the trunk, too. Use it to melt ice off your car.
Drive cautiously. But if you’re a rich jagoff behind the wheel of a big SUV, feel free to go as fast as you want while talking on your phone.
The rules don’t apply to you, honey. Plus, you’ll help the rest of us know where the black ice is.
Fake being attacked by two guys at 4 a.m.
This would be SO Chicago !
Shovel snow and break out your moves to the sounds of NKOTB and the Backstreet Boys
You got it. The right stuff. And a good pair of boots, too, for cold weather choreography.
Middle aged women love these middle aged guys on the block, so you’ll be the hit of your subdivision. If you’re a woman, pretend the shovel is Donnie Wahlberg and the bag of salt is Jenny McCarthy.
Better yet… Everybody. Rock your body. Backstreet’s back! But don’t hurt your back.
Decide which friends and neighbors you might eat.
Spring will eventually arrive. But what if it doesn’t? What if climate change makes the world like The Day After Tomorrow?
You’ll be famished. So get that list ready, now. Remember, the bigger ones will probably taste better, but won’t be good for you. The thin ones will have leaner meat but will taste like kale!
Stop complaining. You could be in Ireland right now, where it’s worse than typical Irish weather.
Pack up your things and head somewhere warm. But remember, everyplace has its own set of weather woes – except San Diego, and it’s super freaking expensive to live there.
There you have them, my handy cold weather Valentine’s Day tips. Now it’s time to get out of the hot tub, layer up in red and replenish my fluids.