Still Christmas shopping? Just buy booze.
Otherwise, drink, then Uber over to Walmart. Or sit home in your underwear and make Jeff Bezos even richer as you order from Amazon and hope stuff arrives before Dec. 25. Whatever works.
With so many choices these days, buying booze is as frustrating as trying to find something worth watching on Netflix. That’s why I’m here to help. With the help of Best Fest Buddy Tom, I found most of the following stuff at Woodman’s and Aldi. We are so damn suburban. In fact, Tom used to drive a suburban.
I figure if you’re still shopping, you may not really like the people you’re getting gifts. That could make these ideas all the better – like the ones Facebook and Google make for you without you even asking.
Anyway, here goes:
Nothing is more passive-aggressively Chicago than Malort. The gift set includes a Malornament, too! Be careful. The person you give this to might throw the Malornament at you.
In keeping with the Chicago theme, you can Irish it up with Jameson once kept in oak barrels then infused with Windy City-based Revolution Brewing’s Fist City Pale Ale beer. I know the backstory of the name, Fist City, but still. However tasty the brew, I can’t help but think about a fist and where it may have been.
Revolution also makes Fistmas Holiday Ale. Nothing says the holidays like a beer called Fistmas. With a name like Fistmas, you know it must be good – or taste like ass.
Contrary to rumor, Tom did not model his pitch-perfect version of Santa on what he found on the can. So to speak.
That can pictures Santa in a beer barrel. And a green fist. It reminds me of those Duluth Trading Company underwear ads. Come to think of it, this might be the ideal beer if you have any Bears fans left on your gift list.
What could be better for watching one of those Hallmark holiday movies alone with your cat than a bottle of Yellow Tail that’s wearing a Santa hat. Hell, when you finish off the bottle, try putting the hat on your cat. Or make a thong with it for your pretend boyfriend – the widower you met at the hardware store who helped you pick out the right flapper for your toilet. Turns out he’s from Australia, just like Yellow Tail. And he likes to go Down Under.
While you’re in the wine section, don’t forget to pick up some Whipsy wine-infused whipped cream. It goes great with your cheeseboard and even better with planked salmon. Or pasta. Tom tells me it’s also a fine gift for naughty mommies and daddies.
UV Blue Vodka. It makes blacklight posters glow, causes sunburn and tastes like raspberries. Yes, raspberries. They turn blue when exposed to UV light.
For the inorganic drink lover on your gift list, you can’t go wrong with any flavored vodka. Food science advancements allow the production of booze concoctions such as Smirnoff Caramel Kissed flavored vodka. It doesn’t look very caramel, but sure tastes like diabetes. A New Amsterdam Pink Whitney is for folks too lazy to mix actual pink lemonade with vodka.
More better booze through chemistry – Captain Morgan watermelon, citrus and coconut flavored rums, just like the pirates drank to prevent scurvy. Tom drinks these to prevent gout.
The Captain’s gingerbread rum makes building gingerbread houses and making gingerbread men that much more fun. Just don’t post the results on social media.
The Fireball Party Bucket allows for easy clean up of vomit after you drink all the tiny booze bottles inside. Underage drinkers love the party buckets. Crafters love them, too. They keep the buckets to hold supplies and make holiday lights from the bottles!
Guinness Chocolate Truffles. They’re canned with little nitrogen bladders. Pop the top. Let it settle. Serve with oysters. Or not.
Given what fun politics in 2019 have been, this Redneck Riviera Whiskey 2020 Survival Kit won’t get you through January. Hell, it won’t get you through the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day.
Miller High Life remains Champagne of Beers and now comes in Champagne bottles. Mind blowing! Nothing to do New Year’s Eve? Put one of these big boys in a paper bag, sit on your front porch by yourself and ring in the New Year.
Pabst Blue Ribbon Low Calorie, the beer for the hipsters on your gift list who need to go on a diet. Maybe they’ll find it ironic, too. Given how PBR tastes, isn’t this version another flavored water?
Put the Pabst in its own black Christmas stocking. Hit an annoying relative with it. It won’t leave bruise marks.
Gift ideas beyond booze
After you hit the liquor store, head to Walmart, Target or any other big box outlet. They all have a lot of crap. Speaking of crap, a Hasbro’s Toilet Trouble pairs nicely with any booze. In this version of roulette, a flush causes a gush. Sure, the game’s for kids. Encourage them to play it. See how long it takes for them to head to a real toilet to see if they can get water all over the bathroom floor. Hilarious! Plumbing problems crack me up.
Since we’re talking about toilets, remember the final season of Game of Thrones? Well, you can relive all that incoherence and deal with your incontinence on your very own GOT crapper. A great gift for that crazy blonde you know who loves dragons. As such, I think Tom and I know a couple people who would like this.
A fun gift for the kids of the divorced dad on your list is the Drummond Park board game Don’t Wake Daddy. Like a secret Santa, leave it for the youngsters after you and your newly single buddy have been out celebrating the season. Better yet, buy the kids old fashioned alarm clocks!
There are so many gift possibilities for this big ass unicorn, and here are two. Put it in the bed of a movie buff buddy you know, a la The Godfather. See, that’s vaguely threatening but whimsical at the same time. Or, instead of Don’t Wake Daddy, have those crazy kids of that divorced daddy mentioned above put the unicorn in bed with him. Have them take a photo. Create a Tinder post for him. He won’t be single long! Right, Tom?
For the person on your list who practically lives in the Marvel Comics Universe get this unnerving tribute to Harvey Weinstein: Creepy half- Spider-Man chases some Jurassic Work T-Rex tail. Apparently dinosaurs make his spider sense tingle. And they’re both night lights.
A Christmas Story plays every 12 minutes this time of year on TBS. For nostalgia’s sake, get your friends’ kids Daisy Red Ryder BB guns. What could possibly going wrong? I mean, it’s not like the kid in the movie hurts himself with his BB gun.
With so many retail locations going out of business, pick up a deep-discounted mannequin, like these from Dress Barn. They make great companions for your lonely friends. For friends who live in states with diamond driving lanes, they make for quiet traveling companions. And kids can play store with them, modeling mommy’s new outfits!
Order some fruit for somebody from Harry and David. Judging by how cranky folks are on Facebook, most of us could use more fiber in our diets. A gift of pears says I care about your heart, your colon and your expanding waistline.
If all else fails, grab some gift cards. Is it just me or does Home Depot Gift Card Santa rock that tool belt? Wouldn’t it be funny if the only thing you could buy with the Olive Garden gift card was breadsticks? And Red Lobster offers those mighty fine Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Seriously, those are pretty good. In fact, the link in the prior sentence brings you to a recipe for them.
And a reminder: Using recreational cannabis becomes legal in Illinois Jan. 1. So stock up on munchies. This freaking adorable Kellogg’s Elf on the Shelf cereal might be to your liking, and on clearance come Dec. 26. All I know is if I were high, this would scare the Christmas out of me.